PIMPIN' NEWS

LOUISVILLE KY--It's devastating news for both the sex industry and shops selling crushed velvet pantsuits, the United Pimp Workers Union declared a "wildcat" strike on Monday. (In a sympathy strike, all Mac-Daddies, Playas and Bad-Ass Motherfuckers also walked off work.) American cities were choked with gridlock as whores aimlessly walked the streets to and fro, banging into each other and tourists alike, and foolhardily offering to "suck yo dick for free" to all automobiles cruising by.

"Yo', we ain't doin' shit till we get us some cheddar, ya dig?" proclaimed controversial U.P.W. President Ice-T. "And to all them Johns out there wonderin' what'll bring an end to this strike, I got just two words for ya'll. Bling, bling!"

Bling, bling is indeed at the heart of this matter, as the labor dispute arose last week during contract negotiations between the pimps, the prostitute union H.O.E. (Hookers Organized for Equality) and "The Man" (representing the interests of Johns) over the controversial issue of coitus commissions.

At a press conference Ice-T, along with union spokesperson Iceberg Slim and sergeant-at-arms Romaine Lettuce Leroy, spoke in detail about what caused the negotiations to break down at the 11th hour. Said Iceberg, "In all a my years of pimp-a-tood, we have been nothin' but generous and reasonable--but man these people have got to be trippin'. First of all, these Johns say they wanna be able to do all dis freaky-weird shit with my whores for no extra charge. And them bitches? Man, these bitches today got sticky fingers... like they hands is covered in some kinda peanut butter and jelly shit or somethin'. So when these ho's said they wanted to reduce our cut of their evening's receipts from 90% to 75%, we said, 'Say whaaa? Bitch, you best back that ass up'."

In reaction to this pimp strike, the Dow Jones and the NASDAQ dropped to lows not seen since 1989, as stock brokers on Wall Street were too busy having free sex with prostitutes to actually trade stocks.

This crisis looks to be the first test of the new George W. Bush presidency; outgoing chief Bill Clinton has refused to address the issue, saying, "Man, what do I care! I'm on vacation starting next week, and unlike the new guy, I don't need to pay for my blowjobs."